Fade.

I don't like writing on here anymore. Lately, whenever I've had something to say, I've decided not to say it on here. I don't think many people read anymore. For those that do, I'm sorry, but I'm going to give up on writing here. At least for now. See ya around, everyone. -L

*Insert gay one-liner at the beginning of each post here*

It's been a month since my last entry. It doesn't seem like it's been that long, but then again, I suppose it has been. Time is just flying by me. I'm not certain if it's a good or bad thing.

Life has been somewhat depressing lately. Nothing good has happened. The best thing that happened was my report card, which I did pretty damn well in. I got straight A's and A+'s. But then again, what does it matter? It was for 3rd quarter of Senior Year. Not that I care about school to begin with. Jeez, what mind fuck. The one time where I put absolutely no effort into school, I get straight A's and A+'s. Even worse, it doesn't even matter. Too bad I could never do that for when it really counted. Oh well.

Max and his girlfriend broke up. I don't know if I should be talking about this, so Max, if you're reading this, I'm apologizing in advance. To be totally honest though, I never liked her that much anyway, and I think he knew that. I think it's better for him and I hope he's doing well in Australia. Hey Max, you should write in a Xanga sometime. I'd definitely read it.

Life at work has been boring. Nothing new. At all. Nothing. Then again, it could be worse. Jay and I haven't been upset with each other at all lately, so I'm pretty thankful for that, but life there seems to depressing and boring lately. Everyone seems so miserable and dull. Everyone except Joe, but that's probably because he goes on vacation every other day of his life.

I hung out with Jill on Monday. Things started off well, but they quickly went downhill. I was with her and her friend, Lizz, whom she introduced me to that day. Jill started saying alot of cruel shit out of nowhere, totally unprovoked. She embarassed me in front of her friend (not that it mattered, but it's the principle), and kept saying how I apparently have no reason to hang out with her, how I resent her, and how I don't care and don't contribute anything to our friendship. Well, that was a nice way to put it. Jill, if you're reading this, you have some serious emotional issues you need to work out. I hate to say this, but you need to seek some professional help. I know you're doing that already, but you ought to consider seeing someone else, because I don't think it's working well enough.

On a lighter note, Lizz was drop-dead gorgeous. Definitely one of the best-looking girls I've seen in a while. She had some really nice hair, very pretty. Of course, being the breast-obsessed person that I am, I have to comment about hers. Awesome. Very nice. My guess... 34D bra size, maybe bigger. Definitely atleast a D-cup. I know I sound perverted, but I have one of the biggest breast fetishes ever, and I can't help it. I've loved breasts long before I started becoming interested in girls. Anyway, Lizz was pretty hot. She was really nice too. Not shy or anything. Definitely a cool girl. I should've gotten her screen name or phone number or something. Fuck. Oh well.

Krist started talking to me again, but soon stopped as well. I was so thrilled to hear from her, and I still am. It's surpring how much of an effect you can have on some people by just being there to talk to. Apparently, she just got out of a very restricting relationship, and her now ex-boyfriend really hated me. Luckily, she's out of that relationship, but she's been tossed from her house, so contact with her is scarce. Oh well. Krist, if you're reading this, you're still in my thoughts. You gotta come with us to Canada, man. We'll start a *Krist Fund* if we have to.

I'm still excited for college, but petrified of it at the same time. I have an appointment on May 3rd with one of my professors to sort out a schedule for my first semester classes. Professor Lagnese, the head of the Automotive department. He seems like a really nice guy, though. I look forward to becoming his student.

School still seems like it's continuing to fly by me. I feel like I've done absolutely nothing with this school year, and it's coming to and end. I almost feel like I could have gone back to the beginning of it and redo everything. I feel like I've just wasted this whole year and there isn't anything I can do about it. It's nothing like the previous years. They all had meaning to them. This one has nothing.

I've been finding myself daydreaming a lot lately, constantly playing out fake scenarios in my head in which I'm doing something important and/or I'm being loved. Coming back to reality is so depressing. It feels like the exact opposite of what I dreamt and I'm hating myself for it. I wish I could grow some hair on my nuts and do something with my life.

People have been telling me that my Xanga entries are really worth reading. I'm flattered, to be honest. I didn't think I would have so many fans. I'm thinking about taking certain excerpts and putting them in a book or something to remind me of myself, how I was like, and how much I've changed without even knowing it.

I've been listening to this song by a band called Monster Magnet. It's called "Look to your orb for the Warning". It's excellent. I can't explain why I like it so much, but it's absolutely amazing to me. Speaking of music, I changed to backround music to "What Do They Know?" by Mindless Self Indulgence. It's from their new CD that came out on April 12th. It's great.

I can't think anymore. I realized that whenever I talk about myself for a period of time, I tend to just draw a blank after a while and I can't think anymore. It always hits me again later though. Anyway, I'll end it off at this for now. Later, guys. -L

You are the voice that's been calling me back home.

So I'm finally updating this again. Sorry It's been so long since my last update. I haven't really had much to say, but seeing as how I do now, I think I'll write a little bit for my fans (even if it's just a couple).

The El Camino is officially for sale now. I'm currently in the market for a cheap, beater car as well. I'm upset that I have something that nice in my garage but I'm left incapable of doing what I want with it because it's so original and rare. Oh, I met a chick named Tara on CarDomain. She has an El Camino too. It's really nice. I e-mailed her and we exchanged AIM/AOL screen names, but I've never seen her online, and she hasn't responded to any of the two more e-mails I sent her. Humm... So much for that, huh? Too bad too. I was looking forward to meet a GIRL that shared the same love for El Caminos that I do. Oh well. I'll live, right? She was kinda cute too.

Life has been very boring lately. Krist still isn't talking to me, for whatever reason. It's not surpring, though. I read her Xanga entries, she seems upset with life. As much as I should be pissed at her for fucking up my MySpace, ignoring me, makin' me feel bad, etc., I feel like I should just pity her and hope good things roll around for her. Max isn't around anymore, he's off in Melbourne, Australia, taking a semester off from Cornell and being schooled at Melbourne University to study abroad. Work has been the same, still in the semi-slow season, but we're breaking par. Spring has officially started and I'm a little excited for the nicer weather. This last weekend though has been somewhat different, so I'll go into it.

Friday was pretty boring at first. After everything had been settled though, I got the friends together and we all, including my father, went to the Auto Show at the Jacob Javitz center even though we left a little later than usual. Bryant, Ruvio, Lee, myself, and my father caught a train to the city which was kinda fun. I missed going on the train, it had been a while. Anyway, we got there and although it wasn't nearly as nice as the year before, it was still pretty fun. I got to watch a dyno test of one of Chevrolet's engines, some scale models of muscle era and modern day Chevrolet engines, as well as some of the new models they're releasing like the 2006 Z06 Corvette, 2006 Monte Carlo and Impala, and the Cobalt. That was pretty cool. Honda had a 2006 Civic SI concept that Lee adored. I'm not a big fan of imports, but the exterior styling was pretty decent for something like it. Jon was havin' a blast with the new GT500 in the works from Ford as well as the other concepts they were developing. All in all, I think everyone enjoyed themselves though. On the way back from the Auto Show, as we were heading to lunch, two VERY cute girls said to me that they loved my hair. At the same time! I'm such a lady killer... It's too bad I have no balls and didn't ask them to join us for lunch or get their numbers or anything. The guys gave me shit for that one. We saw them pass by again and they wanted me to flag them down, but I decided it was a good idea not to get up, leave the diner, and ask them. That would be kinda creepy. I still feel bad about it though. When we got home, we all hung around the house for a little bit. Dan Febrer and Ryan Winters came over for poker. I lost. Then they both left and we all went to KFC/Taco Bell in Glen Cove, got fat, and headed back to my house. Bryant left at that point, but Ruvio and Lee hung out for a bit longer. We talked for a while, hung out a little bit, and then everyone left.

Saturday was just a day at work. It was pretty slow, but not terrible. I get paid next week. Woo.

Sunday was Easter. I went out to Conneticut with my mother and grandmother. My grandmother recently fell down in her house and nearly fractured her hip. She has terrible arthritis, so she's been in a lot of pain. She's still depressed, as usual, and feels like she needs to die. It makes me sad to hear things like that. Anyway, we went to Conneticut for Easter. My two cousins were there along with two college friends of my older cousin. We all had a little Easter egg hunt, as usual. You'd think that my soon to be 16-year-old cousin, myself soon being 18 years old, and three 21-year-old college students would be a little old for something like that. Apparently not. We got our little eggs with candy, money, lotto tickets, little toys like Silly Puddy, finger puppets, etc.. We all had dinner, watched T.V., and I eventually went home. Soon after getting home, I hung out with Justin and watched Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas with him.

Maybe this weekend wasn't that amazing, but it got me thinking a lot throughout the course of it. For one, I've been thinking about college alot. In only a few months, my highschool career will come to an end. Has it really been 4 years? It feels like I was a freshman not too long ago and I was still going to the same school as my older brother. But now life is totally different. I'm a much different person now and I think my brother might be as well. I have dyed hair, I listen to much more rock and metal, I'm taller, I'm thinner, and I'm doing much better in school. I've made quite a few friends since 9th grade. I also lost a few. In a couple months, it's going to change radically once again. Damn, life is complex. Alot of the people I know now are going to be out of my life for a long while, if not forever, and I have no idea how to react to that. I'm not certain if it's worth losing them for new friends. Am I ready for college life? Am I emotionally mature enough to take on such a radical change? I guess I'll find out soon enough. College is going to be so much fun, but I can see a lot of pain coming my way too. I just hope it isn't too much that I can't handle. I take a placement test for some of my classes this Wednesday.

When Lee and Ruvio stayed after KFC/Taco Bell on Friday night, we talked a lot about girls. Jon had a story or two to tell, but mainly Lee. It got me thinking about me and girls in general. No, I'm not trying to play the "I'm lonely" bit and complain how no one loves me or whatever. I'm just curious of what life will be like when I eventually get one. Do I want one in the near future? Can I handle one? And if so, what would she be like? I'm not very experienced in the area, so I'm not even certain of what I'm looking for in a girl. In a weird way, maybe it's a good thing. It'll keep me open-minded. I want to visit Lee over Spring Break and see what life is like up at his college, SUNY Oswego. I don't think it would be feasible, though. Not until the Summer, at least.

I've felt a growing detachment from Verni for a long time now. I'm not upset with him, I don't feel anything towards him, actually. I do feel like a couple of things have gotten to his head though, and I think a lot of other people will agree. He seems almost obsessed with getting a girlfriend, like it doesn't even matter who it is anymore, as long as he has emotional security from having one and feeling better about himself knowing that he's wanted. I don't know how I feel toward it. He's also been obsessed about his physical appearance, taking performance supplements and whatever. Creatine, NO2, whatever it is. He's been working out, taking this shit, eating irregularly, etc.. He even recently got tanned to impress a chick and show off his muscles. I don't agree with that one a single bit. No person should ever find another person attractive by physical appearance. If you have to do that to earn someone's love, then their love isn't worth earning. He's also transformed himself from what he used to be three or four years ago. Recently he's become more and more attatched to that whole jock group of friends that drink every chance they get. I don't like any of them and I don't think they like me very much either. People like Jared Isaacson, Tommy Maher, whoever... They lack respect for other people and their property. They're assholes, really. I don't care how they act towards their friends, they're selfish and it upsets me to know that one of my oldest and closest friends hangs out with that group of people. It's not my place to say who the proper person to hang out with is, but I just flat out don't like them, and I'm glad I'm saying it. I just want the old Verni back that used to play Counterstrike, wouldn't feel embarassed when hanging out with the not-so-popular kids, laugh at fart jokes with us, the whole bit. Verni, if you're reading this, I'm sorry for saying all of these things, but it's how I feel and I think I speak for some other people as well. In no way do I mean any disrespect or am I trying to offend you. Your interpretation of this can go so many different ways. I just hope you understand what I'm saying.

Lately I feel like there's a hole in my belly. Like I'm missing something or I lost something and I can't figure out what it is. Life just seems different this year and I'm not sure if I like it or not. I think I'm beginning to realize that life is going to keep on keeping on, regardless if I'm ready to continue with the changes and experiences I come across. I want new things, but I want the things I had that could never be replaced when I was a little kid.

I've been playing a lot of this game, World of Warcraft, lately. It's one of those stupid-ass online role-playing games. I know, it's saddening, but it's the only thing I have to occupy myself with after working at the school. I joined mainly because of Jayson. I've felt a growing detachment from him too. He seems too busy to do anything with me anymore. I want to hang out with him almost every day like we used to in the Summer, mess around, get drunk, and just have fun. We would do such silly shit and it was great. Now it seems like he has no time for me anymore. Whenever he does have time, he spends it with Katie and her friends up at New Paltz. I don't blame him for his lack of time or wanting to see Katie, I know life has been tough for him lately and it's only getting tougher, but I just want to see him again and hang out like we used to. Despite the age gap of a little over three years, he's probably my best friend, now that I don't hang out with Roger very much.

Speaking of Roger, he's been doing well... I think... I hope. I don't know much about him anymore, we barely talk. We used to hang out every day, after school, back in elementary and middle school. Now that he goes to a different highschool, he's made new friends and moved on with life. He even had a girlfriend not too long ago. How about that? It was so hard to picture him with one until I met her. They broke up last I heard, but whatever. He should be going to college in New Jersey or something for special schooling for kids with ADHD or whatever. I think I need to see more of him too and catch up on our time lost. There was once a time in our lives when we couldn't get enough of each other. Playing imaginary games with our massive array of weapons; guns, swords, axes, cannons, whatever. I miss that.

My birthday is coming in late (26) May. I hope to get a gym membership and continue my weight loss just a little bit further (only another ten or fifteen pounds or so). I also feel like stopping off at Sports Authority or something and picking up a punching bag set or perhaps a chin-up bar to use when I have too much free time. Then again, I have an adjustable dumbell set that I never use, so perhaps I should hold up on that idea.

Bryant and I are trying to organize a road trip up to Montreal in Quebec, Canada a few days after prom. Drinking age and gambling age there is 18, so it has a lot of potential. I'm trying to get as many people as possible in multiple cars. If I'm going to end highschool life, I want to end it in the most enjoyable way possible. If anyone reading this is interested in coming along, please let me know. Everyone is welcome.

Having said everything that I did, I'm feeling quite a few emotions right now. I can't even think straight, to be honest. I'm gonna end this already long entry here and add to it, if I can, later on. I have so many things to say once again, and I want to, but I feel like my mind is drained and it needs a rest. Again, sorry for taking so long. I hope this was a good one. -L

P.S. - The backround song is 1989, by Mindless Self Indulgence (again). Enjoy. -L

New song.

Well, since everyone wants me to put up a new song, I think I will. This one is a live performance of the song, Tornado, by Mindless Self Indulgence.

I have nothing else to write about. Fuck you. -L